“Our lives are a series of births and deaths; we die to one period and must be born to another.”

-          Madeline L’Engle

When you‘ve come to the edge of all the light that you know,

And the next step is into darkness,

You must remember that one of two things will happen…..

There will be ground to walk on or you will be taught how to fly.

-         Patrick Overton

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

- George Elliot

Deep within all of us reside special gifts and talents waiting to be unearth.  If they are left dormant, a feeling of restlessness and discontentment can overcome us. Why then, is it so difficult for us to tap into our strengths and talents and discover our career path?

Who We Think We Should Be

To begin to rid yourself of the shoulds of who you should be begin to become curious as to whose messages you absorbed. Do they sound like your parents, authority figures, or the larger society?  To gain more clarity, write these messages down. What comes up when you read them?  Allow these feelings to surface. Are they your truths or someone else’s?

Unearthing Your Essence

• During childhood, what could I spend hours doing that made me feel alive and in the flow?
• During adolescence what made my heart sing?
• As a young adult when did I feel most fulfilled?
• What were the environments like?
• What were some of the skills and talents that I tapped into?

While engaging in this inquiry process, scan your body for somatic reactions. Is there a pitter patter in your heart due to excitement, are you experiencing a tingling sensation throughout your body, and are you getting goose bumps? If so, your body is guiding you to what your heart desires.  Look for a common thread among these experiences to help your career path unfold.

Security

“Questions are the key that cause the secret door of the psyche to swing open.”
— Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Does the thought of conversing on a first date make your heart pound with fear?  Are you afraid that you’ll get so tongue tied you won’t know what to say? Rest assured that there is a powerful tool that can help you ease into a meaningful conversation with your date – the Open Ended Question.

People love to talk about themselves if the right environment is set up for them. Remember, this is an opportunity to glean as much information to determine if you would be remotely interested in dating this person again.

An open-ended question is designed to encourage a full, meaningful answer so that you get an idea about your date’s feelings, attitude, likes and behaviors. Unlike closed ended questions that can be answered with a single word answer, using open ended questions enables you to get to know your date on a deeper level. Open-ended questions typically begin with words such as:

• What
• Why
• How
• Tell me about…..

Examples:

Active Listening

Once you have asked open ended questions sit back and become an active listener. Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding to others. It focuses attention on the speaker. You suspend your own frame of reference and fully hear what the other person is saying. Active listening means fully engaging with the speaker. You are not waiting for the other person to hurry up and finish what they are saying so you can talk. You should listen 75% of the date and speak about yourself 25% of the time.

In most instances, active listening consists of a few deceptively simple techniques:

• Offering encouragement by nodding or saying “uh-huh” or “I see”
• Restating the basic ideas, using terms such as “If I understand you correctly, …” or “So what you’re saying is …”
• Reflecting on the feelings that your date  is trying to convey: “Seems like that bothered you a lot …”

While most people think they are good listeners, in reality they are really just good hearers – they hear the words and make the appropriate faces, but they aren’t really listening with all their senses to what is being said. If you truly are actively listening, you can use their responses to help you formulate other questions. Taking this step promotes meaningful dialogue

So, as you can see, the open ended question is a great dating tool that can help you uncover the overall essence of your date. From there, you can make the decision if a second date is in the cards. Instead of dreading a first date, you can feel empowered knowing you have the ability to orchestrate a meaningful conversation that showcases your date’s personality.

“Our lives are a series of births and deaths; we die to one period and must be born to another.”

-          Madeline L’Engle

It seems to have happened overnight, midlife has crept up on you. Your youth is now a faded memory. In order to move forward in this next period in your life, some of your old ways have to die off to leave room for the new ways to emerge. During this process, you may feel out of kilter like a ship without a sail. Be assured that these feelings are part of the process associated with midlife transition. Instead of running from the inner turbulence, it is important for you to begin to embrace it. You can do so by quieting your mind and asking yourself some tough questions.

Questions for Midlife Transition

1. What is no longer working in my life?
2. What values are no longer serving me?
3. What will my life look like five years from now I don’t begin to make the necessary changes?
4. What steps do I need to take to move forward in life?

As you begin to answer these questions, you will enter different phases of your midlife transition.They are:

Stuck in the Muck

If you are stuck in the phase, most likely you are not happy with the life that you are leading. Your  motivation decreases, you may feel  fatigued, negativism increases and the very activities that once fulfilled you no longer give you joy. You have two choices during this phase:  1) improve upon your current life or 2) end this chapter of your life and begin a transition to a new phase of life.

Mini-Makeover

You may choose to improve your current chapter in your life by making internal and external changes. Some of the changes you could make are: moving to a new location, changing jobs, making new friends, reading self help books, and seeking therapy or having a cosmetic makeover. By making these changes, you may feel rejuvenated. If the makeover does not improve your well -being and leaves you feeling disappointed and discouraged you will begin to move into the next phase of your transition.

Hibernation

In this phase, you detach from what is no longer working in your life and take emotional time out to heal, reflect and discover new directions for their life. You’ll find yourself becoming quieter, withdrawn, emotional and questioning your current values. This phase enables you to get in touch with your authentic self. In order to do this you may seek therapy, connect with your spiritual nature, join self-help groups, attend personal growth seminars, and read informational books. It is important to resist the temptation to stay so busy that you can’t focus inward and tap into to the answers that lay within.

The Metamorphous

If you spend the necessary time renewing yourself and identifying core values, desires, and your life’s purpose you will break out of the hibernation phase and soar into midlife.  During this phase, you’ll feel confident, creative and optimistic. Most likely, you’ll be eager to explore new skill sets and ways of thinking. This is a stage of trying out new roles and blossoming into the woman you were created to be.

Awaken to the forces that are calling you to embrace your midlife transition! It is an opportunity to redirect your life and live with purpose and passion.

I.    I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk; I fall in. I am lost…. I am

helpless.It  isn’t my fault.  It takes me forever to find a way out.

II. I  walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall  in again. I can’t believe I  am in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a

long  time to  get out.

III.  I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk, I see it is there.

I still fall in …. It’s a habit.  My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV.   I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V.   I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson

You yourself as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.

~ Buddha

The race is on! Your alarm has rung; you bolt out of bed and begin to go through your mental “to   do list”. Before the day has started, you are already feeling stressed.

You don’t have to fall victim to the stress in your life!  Follow the 7 pathways listed below and ease  into a more relaxed state.

Breathing

We all have the capability to reduce our stress level by learning how to breathe properly. One type of breathing exercise is belly breathing. Try this exercise anytime that you need to relive stress.

1. Sit in a comfortable position.
2. Put one hand on your belly just below your ribs and the other hand on your chest.
3. Take a deep breath in through your nose, and let your belly push your hand out. Your chest should not move.
4. Breathe out through pursed lips as if you were whistling. Feel the hand on your belly go in, and use it to push all the air out.
5. Repeat this 3 to 10 times.

After these repetitions, you should begin to feel much more relaxed.

Learning How to Say No

When you interpret someone else’s request or need as a demand you mistakenly believe you have no choice but to say yes to it.  When you say “yes” to the demands of others you’re really saying “no” to yourself.  Ultimately, this can create a state of stress. When you are tempted to automatically say yes to a request, ask yourself the following question.  By saying yes to other people’s requests, how am I saying no to myself? Get in the habit of asking yourself this question and see how your stress level decreases.

Ridding Yourself of the Super Woman Syndrome

Do you try to be everything to everyone? Are you living by standard that are no longer applicable to your life style? For example, do you feel pressured to have a sparkling clean home even though you are now working a 40hour week and raising a family? Take the time to see what standards you can relax and remind yourself that “Super Woman” is a mythical character.

Shorten the To Do List

On any given day, how many times do you say, “I’ll relax when I complete all of the things on my “To do List?”  Without realizing it, you create a chemical rush of adrenaline by pumping yourself up to accomplish all of these tasks and can eventually get addicted to high adrenaline levels.  When adrenaline continues to pulse in your body a myriad of health problems can begin to occur. Therefore, it is important to begin to truly look at your “To Do List” and determine if any tasks can be dropped, delegated or delayed.

Pleasurable Activities

Studies indicate that women do more obligatory things in a day than they do pleasurable things. This accounts for why the stress level for women can mount. Make a commitment to incorporate one pleasurable activity into your day. It does not have to be for a lengthy period of time.  Some women have found that taking a relaxing bubble bath, reading a good book, or having a massage can significantly reduce their stress level.

Learning How to Relax

Learning how to relax can combat stress.  Explore modalities such as; meditation, yoga, qigong, tai chi, and exercise to decrease stress and enhance your well- being.

Stress Inoculating Statements

You can also lessen your stress level by learning how to create stress coping thoughts. Your interpretation of the incident sets off your emotional reaction. You can learn to lessen stress by creating stress inoculating statements. These statements signal your body that there is no need for arousal- it can relax. Some statements that you can say are:

• Stay calm
• Breathe and relax
• I am capable of dealing with this

These powerful pathways can serve as portals that can create more peace and  balance in your life. Make a commitment to de-stress your life!

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to your staying on track and on purpose.” – Stephen Covey

A fundamental premise of coaching is that human beings have the ability to make choices in life. When you interpret someone else’s request or need as a demand, you mistakenly believe you have no choice but to say yes.  When you say “yes” to the demands of others, you’re really saying “no” to yourself.  Ultimately, if you continue to engage in this behavior you will probably end up resenting the person that has made this demand on you and feel angry at yourself for saying yes when you really wanted to say no. The end result will be emotional and physical burnout which will prevent you from living the life you long for.

As a woman, if you are serious about creating the life you truly want to live, it is imperative that you start creating boundaries with people. One of the first steps in creating boundaries is learning to say no. Remind yourself that by saying no you create space and time for you so that you have the energy to create what you really want for yourself.  Ask yourself this question. By saying yes to others’ demands, how am I saying no to myself? The next step is to turn these no’s into yeses.

To help you move into this new frame of thinking, download the Things I Say Yes To I look forward to hearing how you have begun to say yes to the things that enrich your life.